What It Felt Like To Hold My MicroPreemie for the First Time?

Holding your baby for the first time should feel like the best thing in the world. You have had 9 months of blissful pregnancy! You are OH SO READY to hold that precious 7lb baby. Take him or her with you to the Mother/Baby wing and in a couple days take your baby home with you. Isn’t that how it’s suppose to go?

For parents of very premature babies the feelings are not always so magical.

When my little Micropreemie was born she was so tiny that we were only allowed to touch her every 3 hours. During the assessment time we were able to change her diaper, check her temperature and lube her up with Aquaphor. These were the days that we just sat and waited. At times, even as busy as we were, it felt like we were just watching time go by.

It wasn’t until she was 6 weeks and 2 days old that I was able to Hold Her since she was born! Her Neonatologist put in orders that morning for me to start “Kangaroo Care” (holding here skin to skin). I was completely caught off guard. By that time I had a routine – come in, get an update, run to one of the pumping rooms, pump, repeat. That was my routine…but…

Today I get the HOLD HER!!!

Emotion Overload!

I remembered like it was yesterday the first time I held my son. Exhausted from carrying him for 9 months and with 12 hours of Labor later this my pay off – To hold A beautiful healthy baby boy!

I only carried my daughter for 21 weeks and 4 days it didn’t feel like I worked hard enough. My body wasn’t Exhausted I didn’t have 12 hours of labor with a reward at the end. Yes I was at the hospital in that NICU every day but I couldn’t do anything but look at her through the Isolette. Today I get to hold Her!

She was hooked up to a Conventional Ventilator and with all the cords and wires it took an army to get her out of the Isolette. I had to change into a very flattering hospital gown to hold her skin to skin – very fashion forward! Between the nurse and the respiratory therapist they were able to get her and all her cords to me waiting in the recliner to welcome her. The RT taped the breathing tube to me so that the tubes wouldn’t move. After a few pictures, the RT left and shut the curtain behind him.

Now there I was, just me and my baby, over 6 weeks after her birth! She was so tiny weighing at that time only 1lb 10oz! We were all alone, and I finally felt like her Mom! I held her that day for 2 glorious hours! I could have held her all day.

Looking Back at this moment and how I felt 3 years ago its painful that I was so hard on myself. I definitely do not feel this way today. Even though I was grateful everyday to be able to go to the NICU and see my baby. Today I am even more grateful for the experience. Its one that not very many people get to live through.

Sometimes I questioned my body and why I couldn’t carry her longer and I think that is a normal feeling that a lot of NICU Moms feel. It’s so easy to feel like we did an inadequate job. As NICU parents we shouldn’t be so hard on ourselves. Instead Lets let what’s meant to be, be. Believe that our higher power has a plan not only for our little Rockstars but for us as well.

How did you feel the first time you were able to hold your Preemie?